This article was written, illustrated and acted by Psychologist, Adejoro Olumofin @joroolumofin. And it features: @R4ruchynae Chukwueke Ruth – Ex Beauty Queen, Actress and Model. Most Beautiful girl in Nigeria Amity 2010 , World Miss University Nigeria (2nd runner up).
Relationships are full of ups and downs, heartaches, emotional scars, phobia for love, disappointments as a result of either the man or the woman messing up or breaking rules/regimes earlier set in the relationship I.e the terms which kept the couple in check.
We all have different coping mechanisms for dealing with heartbreak or emotional / physical death in our relationship. According to couples therapy you must be willing to fight for what and who you love without a concern of the world and its audience.
Breakups can be caused by 2 major factors:
(1) Emotional Disconnect: This is when all the pet names, little jokes, special handshakes and other gestures of the “heart” are no longer present. Emotional disconnect is very difficult to rekindle because you can’t see emotions or sensations but only feel them. Very little of us have control over what we feel.
(2) Physical Disconnect: Physical Disconnect is the absolute or total loss of physical attraction in a relationship. Most times because someone in the relationship isn’t looking like how they used to or taking good care of themselves anymore. A man may seek counsel from his woman, give her all the money, chanel, birkin bags but not still want to have sex or any physical contact with her.
Studies, Journals and Direct Observation have shown that it takes a big fight , breakup, disagreement or long distance for either party to realize what they lost or how much they really loved their partner.
As a man, I have been there; hurting someone I cared about, enjoying attention from other ladies, forgetting to appreciate or compliment all the little things that I knew would make a difference. All these things would easily drive away the person we love into the arms of another man. It takes nothing to acknowledge your lady’s hair, or that she added extra pepper or salt in the stew or she wears less makeup of recent.
Fellas, Here are 10 tips on how to get your Lady back after an ( Emotional or Physical Disconnect) / a breakup:
1) Get Spiritual (Fasting & Prayers)
2) Admission of Guilt and deflation of Ego
4) Go out of your comfort zone
5) Treat her
6) Eliminate Distractions
7) Express your love through the Arts : Dancing, Singing, Painting, Rapping etc
8) Show or renew your commitment
9) Be persistent
10) Have a plan or a vow to maintain everything you’ve worked for.
1) Get Spiritual: Fasting & Prayer is very key in getting your lady back. If you’re truly serious about a lady and you feel she’s slipping away; the first thing to do is to pray and fast about your situation. As corny, less of a guy or feminine, as it may sound it’s a fact and it’s the right thing to do. In most guys prayer points is : money, money and a lot of money. Only few men get on their knees to say ” Father Lord please touch Tinu, Kemi, Ada’s heart so she loves me more or Please Lord beg her to forgive me I promise to treat her right this time”. Any relationship that has its foundations set on Prayers will last forever. Here are some Bible passages to read or share with your lady that will help or let her know how serious you are about getting her back or being sorry. -Ecclesiastes 4 : 9 – two are better than one because they have a good reward for their toil -Ephesians 4:32 ,Colossians 3:12-14, 1peter 3:7 , Genesis 2:18 Philippians 2:2.
2) Admitting to guilt and Deflation of Ego: Sigmund Freud propounded these concepts (Id, Ego & Super Ego) which in his theory were the foundations of people / persona. The male Ego has its benefits and it’s what makes a man strong, aggressive and more of a go getter in life but at the same time is responsible for a man’s downfall and loss of important things to him such as love. The Ego clouds a man’s judgment and makes him liken himself to a “god” or too close to perfection. Any man who takes a Big Ego into his relationship is not looking for a partner but a subordinate. Admitting to guilt goes a long way with your lady, as African men our culture allows us to dominate or play the role of Alpha in our relationships, if your lady kneels down to serve you food or can’t sit at the dinner table with you how would you value her thoughts or admit to guilt. Let’s be lovers and partners not lovers and bosses.
3) Apologize: The Process by which we try to control the Impressions, Perceptions and views people have of us is called Impression Management (IM). Apology is at the forefront of impression management. Most times it’s very economical and stress-free just to say “I’m sorry”. But as men we try so hard to always be right and keep our ego in check so we don’t say “sorry” instead we look for ways to say sorry without saying sorry. I offended you “oya” take this new phone or new bag, I cheated on you “oya” let’s go to Paris for summer, or the most famous one ” are you hungry?” You cheated and you’re asking your girl if she’s hungry? We men. Lol
This only compounds the current issues for another day whilst negative perceptions and archetypes are being formed in your lady’s mind.
4) Eliminate Distractions: Suspend your Instagram, Facebook and Twitter account, Sunday drinks, clubbing etc till you get her back. How do you truly want to apologize to your lady when you’re distracted with other women or social activities. The more you go out without her or socialize without her the more justification you’ll get from other people about what you did not being wrong. When distractions are present you’ll see your breakup as a vacation or time off from your relationship. You’d even wish the fight lasted longer so you could mingle or conquest more.
Some men are happy when they’re fighting with their girl because they can claim to have cheated during the fight. E.g “we weren’t together when it happened”
5) Be Persistent: Positive and Negative reinforcements in psychology are the foundations of learning. They serve as rewards, punishments and reminders of what to do and what not to do.
Some Nigerian guys will be like: “shebi I’ve begged you? What’s your own sef? You want me to spend all my time begging, abeg go”
Women enjoy being chased, doted over, pampered, wooed after a mistake has been made and an apology has been offered don’t say I took you to dinner once let’s be cool again. Persistence and patience are key. This is her chance to show you I’m the Boss and I won’t be taking you back so easy.
6) Show or renew your commitment: Why do a lot ladies leave a relationship after their feelings have been hurt? Or things aren’t moving in their way? Studies have shown that these are a few of those reasons;
I) trust is lost
II) there’s no moving forward from here
III) he won’t change
Iv) I’m wasting my mind and body
V) he’ll never leave that SideChick
Showing a new commitment gets old after 3 or 4 mistakes, will you go and buy a chain? Promise ring? Pendant? every time you cheat?? New commitments, vows, promises come once in a while and should be from the heart.
Some Men have an attachment syndrome with ladies they are involved with, they sometimes keep a lady around or beg a lady not to leave, buy her promise rings or engagements rings when they know they don’t have plans for her. They don’t have plans for her but don’t want to see her with anyone else.
Showing commitment can be seen as renewing your rent or dstv!. Proposing or asking your girl out again shows I want you and I want us to start fresh. It’s like you’re changing the oil in your car
7) Treat her: Would you believe the Hypothesis that Nigerian men are more romantic than South African men? -Nigerian men spoil their women more than westerners? Do Nigerian men write poems or sing to their ladies? -Will a Nigerian man willingly wear matching colors on Valentine’s Day with his girl? Will a Nigerian give his lady his password for peace and love?
These studies haven’t been carried out but we can make assertions or predictions of the possible outcomes of this research.
Some men see treating their lady as a burden, Valentine’s Day as nightmare, roses as a waste.
A personal story: “A friend of mine once bought her boyfriend of 2 years 2 dozen roses and he got so upset saying can we plant or eat this? What am I going to use this for? You should have bought me recharge cards instead or paid for the wifi”
A man with this mentality won’t know how to treat his lady when she’s upset. Most African men show love or care through strength or aggression.
8) Go out of your comfort zone to apologize: Every woman knows what her man Hates and favors, likes and dislikes, does and don’ts. Going out of your comfort zone to show your remorse goes a long way and shows how selfless you are.
You live in Lekki and your girl lives in iju/ ogba/ Maryland and you’re fighting but instead of going to her house to say sorry you’re thinking 3rd mainland bridge traffic? Petrol? Premiership match you may miss ;then you’re not sorry. Saying sorry via four naira text message doesn’t count.
Do something that will dazzle her in your quest to get her back.
9&10) Have a plan, vow or a schema to maintain everything you worked for: Tips 1-9 are all said and good but to some people, this is unrealistic for the men in their clime i.e. Nigerian men.
All the sorries, gifts, flowers, chocolates, private trips won’t do anything if there’s no plan or commitment not to repeat the previous mistakes.
Ladies, I think I’m sorry shouldn’t be enough anymore only if it’s an “I’m sorry” with a plan to try to stay away from previous mistakes.